lindsayann

29th April 2013

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I don’t even know what to feel. I haven’t been able to sleep. I haven’t been able to think. I haven’t been able to show how I really feel.

Everyone expects me to be strong. The Ate. The one for everyone to rely on. That’s been my role my whole life. I watch over my mom, I watch over my sister, I watch over my brother, I watch over everyone. I keep the smile on. I’m obedient. I’m the one who has to be everything for everyone. But who’s going to be all of that for me? 

I don’t mind being busy. Keeping busy. Please, make me laugh. I’d love that. I’d love for everyone to keep me occupied. Any moment alone I can’t stop my brain from thinking. That’s what gets me going. That’s what happens to me. But now, it’s late at night. Joseph’s asleep and all I can do is think. That’s what I’m best at. Thinking.

Why.. Why did you have to go? What did I do? I’m sorry I was mean. I’m sorry our relationship was broken. I’m sorry. I wish… I just wish I got over it and moved on. Maybe you would’ve been happier. Maybe you would’ve been able to be happy. I’m sorry. I regret being so angry at you. I regret rubbing you off my shoulder. But in reality, I love you so much. That’s why it hurt so much. I hated you most of the time. You were so good to me when I was young that when you just disappeared I broke. You broke me. I wasn’t the same. I had so much hate for you. So much anger.. But I knew, eventually I would forgive you. I would get over it and we would grow up. I knew it deep down in my heart. I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to be close to you because I was scared you’d hurt me again. I wanted to grow up to be strong. So that finally you’d be able to walk me down the aisle & be the grandfather of my kids. I wanted you to be there for me. I knew in my heart I would get over everything and just love you like I was five. But it’s too late now and I regret it so much. I want more than anything to go back in time and talk to you, to hug you, dance with you. The last time I saw you I was so mean. I was so angry. I gave you attitude. How was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to know that’s the last time I’m going to see you? Now I’ll never know how our relationship would’ve been, could’ve been. All I know is how it ended. 

I feel kind of numb. I feel kind of broken. It’s all so surreal. 

I’m sorry for everything. I love you. I miss you.